This is a continuation of Part 1 of my Story - which you can check out here.
Naturally, I figured studying nutrition science for 4 years in college would be enough time to fix my issues with food plus I could learn a thing or two about nutrition.
In summer of 2003 I began my freshman year of college at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln declaring Dietetics as my major.
The first year of college I remember was filled with excitement. I met new friends in my dorm room, was able to explore a new city, and was excited to have the opportunity to absorb every bit of knowledge I could in my nutrition science courses.
But the one thing I didn’t like about school was the pressure I put on myself to perform. I’ve always had perfectionist-like tendencies and as a result experienced a tremendous amount of anxiety when it came to getting good grades. Because I equated good grades with a successful future I spent a lot of time studying alone.
Eating disorders are tricky, just when you think you start to make progress, old thoughts can creep back in and before you know it, you find yourself engaging in the same self-destructive habits that got you there in the first place.
The Secrecy of Eating Disorders
While there were plenty of opportunities to go out and have fun and socialize, I found myself isolating from others. I would eat alone in the cafeteria for fear that other people would notice the little amount of food I ate.
I would avoid going out with friends so I could instead go to the gym and spend hours on the elliptical machine. The only other place I really remember spending a lot of time outside of campus was at coffee shops; I would drink black coffee with fat-free milk and study for hour upon hour while nibbling on a Cliff bar (that was a typical lunch for me). To this day, I still can't stand the taste of most energy and protein bars due the texture alone.
Because I wasn’t living in the same city as my parents, and none of my friends really knew my history and I was quite secretive with my eating habits, I had no one to really call me out on ED behaviors. However, I also wasn’t completely in denial of what I was doing. Considering I was going to school to become a dietitian I knew that I couldn’t keep this up forever.
I mean, “what kind of dietitian would I be if I was counseling others on how to improve their own diets and relationship with food, yet here I was practically starving myself?”
Health Scares, Make You Serious
It wasn’t until I experienced a couple different health scares that I became more serious about making some changes. A few health problems I experienced from under eating included heart palpitations, premature bone loss (osteopenia), gastrointestinal issues, and the loss of my period (amenorrhea).
At this point, I did get a bit scared. I didn’t want to end up with the bones of an elderly woman. I didn’t want to not be able to have kids one day because I had messed up my fertility. And I certainly didn’t want my ED to get any worse and have my heart stop working.
This was my breaking point. I decided to return to counseling. I asked my parents to help hold me accountable. I began eating more. I threw out any clothing that would trigger me to return to restriction if they got at all too tight.
I joined a bible study on campus and committed to reading God’s word daily. And I began to share my struggles with others; darkness can’t thrive when it is exposed to light.
The Road to Recovery
My recovery was a bit of a blur; but the best way to describe it was discomfort. Because I was so out of touch with my own hunger signals, I would sometimes have to force myself to eat despite feeling full. Occasionally, I relished in the idea of being able to eat a full meal plus dessert, but as soon as I finished my meal - I would be overwhelmed with guilt and have an intense urge to exercise.
I later realized that exercise was a form of purging. While I never threw up, I would get 'rid' of the calories I ate by working out, often. Sometimes, I’d satisfy that urge and go for a run when I felt like I 'ate too much' but other times I’d sit in my discomfort and pray or journal.
Slowly I began to heal. It wasn’t quick. It wasn’t easy. And it was in no way linear. I would take two steps forward, and one step back. Then I would take three steps forward and a half a step back.
It was like I was running a marathon but every few miles I would get disoriented and want to turn in the opposite direction. However, this time I had other people running with me, cheering me on, so I knew I couldn’t quit.
And I did not quit.
Today I can proudly say that I’m fully recovered from my eating disorder. I no longer use food and exercise as a way to punish my body but instead use it to nourish it and strengthen it. I no longer feel triggered when I step on the scale because it says nothing about my worth. I no longer see calories as the enemy but as a source of energy and vitality.
I've now been a Registered Dietitian for 14 years and have literally feel like I've seen it all--women who struggle with perpetually under eating, overeating, or those who are caught in a cycle of restricting and bingeing.
Women who think they have 'no issues' with food yet numb out with bottle of wine most evenings, or eat half their days calories after 9:00 pm because they were "too busy" to eat during the day.
And then there are women who have tried every diet out there (keto, weight-watchers, multiple rounds of Whole30) but have yet to see success because every diet has let them down by telling them to follow a set of rules, instead of showing them how to live a healthier lifestyle.
Girl, I see you struggling. I know you desire change. And there is no better time to start then now. It may not be quick process or an easy path, but it's worth it. Because YOU are worth it.
Cheers to hope.
Alisa