Let me take you back to the year 1999.
I was just beginning my freshman year of high school and like most teenage girls, I wanted to be liked. I went to a small school in rural Nebraska and was very aware of who the cool kids were, and those who were not. I considered myself neither popular or unpopular but simply blended in with the rest of the crowd.
Around sophomore year, when I joined my high school’s dance team I started to become keenly aware of my body and how it compared to other girls’ bodies. While I always had more of an athletic build, I never considered myself fat. In fact, I think the most I weighed in high school was 125 pounds (I’m 5’4 for context).
But when I compared myself to other girls my age, I didn’t like my legs. I wanted them to be thinner. I vividly remember there was one girl in particular who I thought had the ‘perfect body’- slender legs, a perky butt, and actually had boobs (I was a solid A cup, still am today!)
At some point, I decided I was unhappy with my body and I wanted to change it. My discontentment coincided with my older triplet siblings leaving for college which honestly felt a bit overwhelming knowing that I’d one day do the same, and I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life at 15 years old! I mean really does, am I right?
Feeling the pressure to fit in, along with the stress of trying to figure out what in the world I wanted to do when I grew up, felt overwhelming. And the only way I knew how to cope with this feeling of overwhelm was to control what I could - which started with my body.
Regaining "Control" with Iceberg Lettuce & Fat Free Milk
Up until this point I hadn’t ever thought about nutrition or what I ate. I had the typical diet of a midwesterner in the early 2000’s. I ate casseroles, pot roast, canned vegetables, and rocky road ice cream from the Schwan’s truck. Do you'll remember the Schwan's truck? It was the absolute best, if delectable frozen foods are your sort of thing 😌. It was like the Instacart of the early 2000s.
Bu I digress. At some point I made the connection that high fat foods like the frozen pizzas and ice cream from the Swan's truck contained more calories than other foods, and learned that calories were somehow tied to body weight. This single piece of information was the impetus for avoiding a long list of foods and only choosing “safe” foods which back then happened to be 'low-fat' foods.
Sophomore year of high school my diet consisted of instant oatmeal for breakfast, a salad of iceberg lettuce with canned tuna and low-fat ranch for lunch, and dinner was a small portion of whatever my mom had made that night.
This diet was paired with multiple hours of high school sports. Almost every semester I played a sport (basketball or volleyball) plus I was on the dance team. And If I wasn’t playing a sport that particular semester, I ran 4 miles everyday (rain or shine).
By winter of my sophomore year of high school, I went from a healthy 125 pounds to sub 100 pounds.
The Dietitian Intervention
It was around this time that others began noticing I lost a significant amount of weight. My parents also concerned, sought out help from professionals. I was put on antidepressants immediately, and was referred to a dietitian.
I hadn’t heard of a dietitian before, and in my mind I imagined her to simply tell me to eat more but she didn’t really really do that (or not that I remember). Instead, she helped me to understand why I was doing what I was doing (severely restricting my foods) which started with identifying the beliefs I had about myself.
She gave me specific passages from the bible to reflect on that affirmed God’s love for me, and that He only has good plans for my life.
To this day, the following passages remain to be some of my favorite scriptures reminding me of how God sees me and that he works everything together for our good.
Psalm 139 13:14
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
I wish I could stop right here, and tell you that meditating on some scriptures and a couple appointments with a dietitian was all that I needed to recover from my eating disorder BUT it wasn’t.
And while I regained much of the weight I had initially lost (thanks to the help of a dietitian) mentally I knew I still had a lot of work to do.
Little did I know that it would be about 10 years worth of 'work.'
Stay tuned for part 2 of my story ‘The College Years’