Writing is cathartic for me yet I don’t put my pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, shall I say) as often as I’d like because I’m afraid of what other people will think. This blog feels a bit vulnerable at times and this post feels no different. I’ve realized at 34 years old, fear has played a larger role in my life than I’d like to admit.
The funny thing about fear is that it’s actually not a bad thing in and of itself. Fear keeps us from hastily running across a busy intersection without looking both ways. Fear keeps us from petting the snarling dog that passes you by. Fear, applied appropriately keeps you well and alive but fear misapplied can keep you small and settling for less than you deserve.
I bring up fear because it has caused me to make some fairly stupid decisions in the past. But out of all of the fears I have, one in particular has contributed to more heartache than any other
About a year ago I started dating a guy I really, really liked. Yes, that’s right – two really’s. The last guy I liked this much was a boy from junior high I crushed on all through high school (names will not be named, ha) ! Anyway, at the start of dating this guy we saw each other a few times a week, we texted often, and things seemed to be progressing at a nice pace. He was tall, handsome, charming, made me laugh and loved God. He basically had everything I thought I needed.
Fast forward a couple months later and our relationship slowly shifted from from pretty good to extremely ‘grey.’ Dates became less intentional and more sporadic–yet I gladly accepted whatever scraps of “free” time he could offer me. In fact, I remember several times NOT making plans on the weekend in hopes he would want to meet up with me. Oh, and then there was texting. The ping of my iPhone when I received a new text from him and/or or the lack thereof a text was maddening at times. I remember countless times being filled with anxiety as I waited on reply back from him. Even the times when I didn’t hear back from until the following day, I would shrug it off and tell myself he’s ‘busy.’
For months I hung on to the idea our relationship would go somewhere despite friends and family members telling me:
“Alisa, You deserve better.”
“He’s treating you like an option not a priority.”
AND the worst of them all – “He’s just not that into you.” What…say again??
I was in complete denial. I mean, I had met his parents. We always had a great time together and he was extremely flirtatious despite the infrequency of our communication. How could it be possible that, “He’s just not that into me?
After relaying this story to my therapist recently, she asked me, “Alisa, why is it that as women we chase after men?” Hmmmm, I hadn’t really considered this question before, but with hesitation I replied, “because I like him.” She prodded further, “Does his character line up with what you envision in a partner and is he treating you the way you think you deserve to be treated?” I reflected for a bit, then I sheepishly replied, “No.”
He lacked some very fundamental qualities for a healthy relationship to exist. What seems so obvious now but not then was his lack of pursuit, his inability to maintain healthy boundaries with others, and perhaps the biggest red flag– he feared being in a committed relationship.
And yet why (going back to my therapist’s original question), did I choose to entertain a relationship with with a guy who really had no intentions to take this relationship to the next level?
Well, eventually I came up with a couple better reasons than ‘because I like him,’ but one reason in particular stuck with me:
The belief and/or fear that ‘If this relationship fails, then it means I’m not good enough.’
And it was primarily this fear that led me to settle or entertain a relationship that was beneath what I deserved.
Last week I wrote about seeking contentment in any season. And while being content is a beautiful thing to strive for, we also should never masquerade our fears with the guise of “being content” when its a situation we have the power to change, and change for the better. Just like this last relationship where I told myself ‘something felt better than nothing,’ there are so many of us living our lives where fear is limiting our potential.
Beyond relationships, fear shows up in our careers as ‘I can’t possibly apply for this job, I don’t have enough experience.’ It shows up in our pursuit of health as ‘I’m afraid to go to the workout class, I’ll be the slowest or most out-of-shape person in the room.’ It shows up in our finances as ‘I’m never going to save enough for a house, I might as well spend what I want.’
There are countless areas of our lives where fear tells us to make the “safe” decision which more often than not leads to settling for less than what we deserve. In my particular situation, I settled because I held on to a scarcity mindset—the belief that nothing better would come my way. I also thought, maybe, just maybe–if I waited long enough, things would change. But mostly, I feared–“If this relationship fails, it means that I’m not good enough or I’m not worthy of love.”
Some of the best ways I’ve learned to combat these fears is to ask the question: Are my fears valid? My therapist refers to this technique as ‘putting your thoughts on trial.’ Basically, its a process where I (the judge) review and weigh all of the ‘evidence’ before I make the verdict that this fear is true or false. And more often than not, my fears are based on pure speculation, in other words, ‘false evidence appearing real.’
When it comes to the fear that I am not enough or my self-worth hinges on another persons opinion of me, God’s word provide the strongest defense:
Psalms 139: 13-14 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possessions..”
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Clearly, the evidence shows that our identity is rooted in Christ; it’s NOT in whether we get the job, lose the weight, have the house, or convince someone to stay. No, Jesus has already proved our worth when he came into this world, lived a perfect life, then humbled himself to die on the cross for us. And that my friend, should be enough evidence to prove that we are priceless.
If we can learn to fully embrace this truth, then fear loses its ability to dictate the course of our lives. This allows us to dream bigger and go after the career we’ve always wanted, get to a better place with our health, and be in relationships that are life-giving and affirm our value.
John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Yes, you heard that right – we are called to live an abundant life, not to settle and not to be complacent.
However, in order do live abundantly, we must become comfortable with the idea that when we face our fears, failure will happen. And while this failure may momentarily magnify every insecurity you’ve ever dealt with it has absolutely NO bearing on your worth. In fact, Philippians 1:6 says “Being confidant of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.”
So this is my hope for you: That you’d be willing to face your fears, and when you fail – you will remember that failure does not make you less of a person but only a stronger–more resilient person.
Now, let’s stop settling and begin living.
Much love,
Alisa