One month down in 2020 and eleven to go. How’s the start of this new decade going for you? There is something so invigorating about beginning a new year! Everyone seem a bit more hopeful (this year will surely be better than the last), more motivated (I’m sticking to my budget), and excited about starting fresh (It doesn’t matter if I skipped the gym all of November and December, it’s a New Year!). While many people complain how long and dreary the month of January is, I’m like–nope, let’s keep this New Years momentum going strong!
And so far, I’d like to think I’ve had a successful start to 2020. I originally had about 5 things I wanted to accomplish this year and so far I’ve managed to check two of the items off my list (one being, getting a library card – game changer!) and the other items–well, they are work in progress. Getting back into blogging was not on my original to-do list for 2020, but I’m thinking I might just give it another go. The thing I enjoy about writing is that it helps me bring clarity to a thought or idea I’ve been struggling to put into words. Also, I’m a blog fan because I love to learn from other peoples experiences and perspectives which probably explains why I spend every free moment either reading or listening to podcasts.
The books or podcasts I listen to most often pertain to personal growth topics on health, finances, faith or relationships. I’m drawn to these type of books/shows because I’m always interested in knowing: How can I improve? I don’t say this to sound self-righteous, I simply say this because I tend to view the world through a critical lens. Doesn’t that make me sound like a treat to be around :)? Well, yes, its true. As a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist (1 on the enneagram) I’m proficient at evaluating how things can suck a little less especially my own life. For the record, I really like the life that I’ve built but it could always be better, am I right?
That said, one of my goals in 2020 is to learn to be more content in my singleness. Now, before you roll your eyes or think, “you need to suck it up (which I too often tell myself),” hear me out. Being a single woman in your mid-thirties is not easy. There are a myriad of reasons why it’s difficult but here are some reasons that sit in my subconscious:
“If I don’t get married soon, having kids is not even going to be an option.”
“I’m definitely going to have to compromise on my list of dealbreakers if I’m ever going to find someone.”
“I think I have a better chance of dying in a car crash then a guy asking me out in real life–meaning not on Bumble, Hinge, or other dating app.”
“All the guys my age, go for girls who are 10 years younger.”
My married friends – “It will happen when you least expect it or stop looking for it.”
While some of these thoughts are clearly not true and others have grains of truth, I still find these thoughts among others keep me from fully enjoying being single. And this is where Bonnie comes into the picture. Bonnie is the name of my new therapist. I decided to give therapy a try after hearing from several close friends who had positive experiences with it AND truth be told, I was starting to run out of ‘self-help’ podcasts and books that addressed this very topic–singleness.
In only two sessions with Bonnie, I have already established goals and have made some real progress toward them. And like I said, my main goal is becoming more content in my season of singleness. Though “season” hardly adequately describes the length of time I’ve been single when you count multiple Springs, Summers, Falls, and Winters but I digress, I’m not here to complain. That’s what I have Bonnie for.
Okay, before this post become any longer (thanks for hanging in there) let’s get to the point: most of us are wired to focus on what we do not have. However, there is so much hope and peace to be found in the season God has placed you in. So let’s stop the narrative that I’ll be happy when _______ and let’s focus on the good of the right now. And to get you started, here are 5 practical ways that are helping me move from a place of discontentment to satisfaction as a single woman.
First, practice gratitude. When we focus on the good in our lives the “bad” begins to fade. Just think, when you give thanks for a friend, parent, pet, or just a super-stylish new pair of booties, it’s almost impossible to dwell on what you don’t have (yet). Consider journaling and writing down at least three things you are grateful for. If you think this is a difficult task, I’ll give you three: the ability to see these words on the screen (YES, your eyesight even if you are lucky enough to wear contacts or glasses – at least you have them), access to the internet and a device for viewing it, and that we are friends (If we technically aren’t friend but you’ve read up to this point, you can consider me a friend 🙂
Stop idealizing being in a relationship. This is HUGE. As women I think there is a tendency to believe as soon as we meet our prince charming we are going to live happily.ever.after. Blame Disney but this is simply not true. Speaking as someone who has been married and has been in relationships since then – being with a guy doesn’t all of a sudden make your life ten times better. While there are wonderful things about experiencing life with another person, it’s not always going to be smooth sailing. Relationships test your communication skills, willingness to compromise, solve conflict, and ability to trust and forgive. Because let’s face it you are going to make mistakes, he is going to make mistakes and then you both have to humble enough to forgive and forget in order to keep your relationship from slowly eroding.
Appreciate the freedom singleness affords you. When you become a wife or husband for that matter, life is no longer only about what you want but also what your significant other wants and/or needs in the relationship. In marriage two people become one. Whereas singleness gives you the autonomy to do exactly what you want. You pick where you want to vacation, what you want to eat for dinner, how you are going to use your end-of year bonus (woo-hoo!), and basically every other decision is yours to make. Less than a year after my divorce, I did something I never would have dreamed of as a married person: I booked a trip to Paris and Burgundy and went on a week long food and wine tour with a group of people I’d never met before. While in France, I saw some of the most beautiful places, savored some amazing food (hello, flakey chocolate croissants), and formed friendships that are still well and alive today. Where have you always wanted to go? Make it happen because YOU can!
Know that are in good company. There is a saying that misery loves company and it’s SO true. Many of my closest friends now are either single and/or dating. It’s refreshing to remember that whatever I’m struggling with I have other people who can relate. During my divorce a few years ago, God placed several people in my life who had divorce as a part of their past. And because I could see that these people not only had survived divorce but now were thriving in their lives, I knew this event would shape me but not define me or be the end of my story.
Hold tight to God’s promises. There are several verses in the scripture which address being content. Yes, even those in biblical times grumbled about their circumstances. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 reminds us–God’s grace is sufficient for us and His power is perfected in our weakness. Psalms 84:11 states that “No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” You can rest assured that God is not holding out on you; for He knows what is best for you in this moment and He desires to give you His best. Finally, Timothy 6:7 says “For we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.” Remember, whatever we gain in this world, whether it be wealth, status, an amazing career, or even the marriage of our dreams—in the end, those things will not last.
My hope is that after reading this you’d feel a little less alone. That you would reflect on the good that currently surrounds you. That you would challenge any internal dialogue that disturbs your peace. And that you’d remember, God has NOT forgotten you.
Much love,
Alisa