They say ‘time heals everything’ but as of lately I’ve been questioning whether this is true or not. In my experience, the passage of time has made certain painful memories fade–as far as details like when it happened, where it happened, who was there, what words may have been exchanged, and so forth. However, the emotions or feelings in that moment are still as real as ever.
Hard memories have a way of not leaving us very readily, am I right? You see, I still find myself ruminating on some less-than-stellar moments of the past which surprise, surprise, are related to nothing other than relationships gone bad. I’m not sure exactly why God designed us to remember the bad more than the good, but I’d venture to say, I think He knows what He’s doing. In someways, I think remembering the bad serves as a form of self-protection. Because my brain/body still recalls painful experiences, its a reminder to me to avoid or not repeat a similar (painful) situation in the future.
Obviously, not all pain is avoidable. I’d like to provide a disclaimer right now that the pain I’ve experienced in no way shape or form compares to what I consider to be senseless pain. This is the pain experienced by those who have lost a loved one unexpectedly, been a victim of domestic violence or sexual abuse, experienced chronic illness or any other tragic event which in no way was caused by that person’s own doing. I’m not going to pretend I know the answers for why this type of ‘senseless’ pain happens. But for the purpose of today, I’m not making reference to this type of pain but instead the pain caused by broken relationships–the pain caused by two peoples own doing.
We will all face pain in this lifetime. And while the pain will look differently for every person and its magnitude will vary from a little to a lot, I think we can all agree that it is part of the human condition. And as much as I wish I would never experience another difficult season or have another painful memory resurface from the past, all I can say is this: I believe there is purpose in our pain.
Claiming there are good reasons for why we face trials and tribulations is not easy. No, what’s easy is to play the martyr, the victim, and point blame at others for inflicting pain. And while I have taken the easy route at times, and have harbored bitterness towards others, and lingered far too long at my own pity party, there is absolutely nothing to be gained from this. Pain can be transformational if we allow it to be. And today I wanted to mention three things I have learned from relationships- those which were broken and bandaged beyond repair; those which were lost for the best of both parties; and those which had died before I had a chance to save them.
Pain provides humility:
My ego hates to admit this but the pain I’ve dealt with as a result of fractured relationships has as much to do with me as it does the other person. To clarify, pain has propelled me to examine ways in which I have not guarded my heart well and made myself a target for hurt. Matthew 7:3 says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” I think too often I can be tempted to play the victim of my situation, instead of recognizing the mistakes I’ve made along the way that has led to heartache. This is not to say, the other person did no wrong but that is his/her work to deal with, not mine. I have to take ownership for what I can control. In past relationships, I had to ask myself some hard questions: Did I establish boundaries and stick to them? Did I make my needs known? Did I communicate with clarity, integrity, and kindness? There are countless ways a relationship can go from good to bad but pain has caused me pause and ask myself, “What could I have done differently to minimize the pain I experienced or better yet–to avoid it completely?” That said, one of the best things I’ve gained from the pain of a broken heart is perspective. I know I’m not perfect. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in the past and will surely make some more in the future. But I trust that every stumbling block or struggle that is ahead of me will only prove to humble me, refine me, and bolster my faith that God is for me.
“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14
Pain provides wisdom:
I’d like to believe because I’ve been married, I have an advantage in the relationship department. Going through what I went through–that is five years marriage (filled with plenty of ups and downs), a devastatingly painful divorce, and handful of other relationships over the years has taught me a few things about love. And while I know I have much more to learn, I do believe all relationships (even the short-lived ones) can be great teachers. Yet, I shouldn’t be tricked into believing that experience alone provides wisdom. Statistics show that because I’ve been divorced the odds of making another marriage work are against me. However, the stats don’t scare me. That’s because scripture says the key to wisdom is not having more experience but more humility. Interestingly enough, while I was writing this I thought experience equaled wisdom but it turns out I was wrong.
“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2
“Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise.” 1 Corinthians 3:18
“Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Proverbs 13:10
If I’ve learned anything from relationships its that humility leads to wisdom. When I’m self-sufficient (prideful), I act as though I don’t need God. But when I’m humble this puts me in a posture of need and I seek His wisdom and will. This begs the question: Do I need to experience pain to gain wisdom? Absolutely not. But for me, I have found that pain make me utterly dependent on God and humble enough to ask for His counsel.
Pain brings you closer to God:
A couple years ago, I read a book by Timothy Keller called ‘Walking with God through pain and suffering.‘ When I read this book, it was at a time I was going through one of the most physically and emotionally taxing seasons of my life. I won’t go into the details but it was far worse than any heartbreak I’ve ever been through. In this book, Keller answers some deep, theological questions about the purpose of pain and suffering. And while I remember the book was extremely helpful in the moment, what I remember most is him saying, God draws close to us in our pain AND comforts us so we can comfort others.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34:18
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2-3
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
As I’ve been working through some of my own painful experiences from my past, I can attest that this is true. When I’ve been the most broken is when when I’ve felt God’s presence and comfort. And as much as I wish, even painful memories would simply disappear forever, and that I would never experience pain again, I know this is impossible
John 16:33 says “..In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
So friends, be reminded that whatever pain you have experienced, are experiencing, or are going to experience–don’t waste your pain. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you; humble yourself; seek wisdom; and let these trials refine you into the person God has called you to be.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
“Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.” Daniel 11:35
Much love,
Alisa